Top tips for separation anxiety - From a Psychologist and a Parent
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I’m Dr Sarah Mundy, a Consultant Clinical Psychologist and mum of three. I’ve worked with children and families for over 20 years, supporting them with emotional and behavioural wellbeing through connection, co-regulation and reflection.
I’m also the author of Parenting Through Stories – which includes a series of interactive children’s stories (Bartley’s Books) and a Parenting Handbook. These are for children aged 2-5 (and their parents) and include top tips around bedtime routines, separation anxiety, anger and potty training.
Seperation anxiety
Oh that horrid moment many of us know all too well, the tight cling, the wobble of a lip, the look that says “please don’t go.” Whether it’s nursery drop-off, bedtime, or simply leaving the room, separation anxiety can feel huge for little ones… and for us too.
I still vividly remember the moment I dropped my (now 16-year old!) at nursery. I was heartbroken. He was gripping my leg and crying, showing quite how much he wanted me to stay. Consumed with guilt I turned around to see him crying at the window. It still makes me feel a bit wobbly when I think back to it!
“Try to prise a limpet away from its rock and it will cling all the harder.”
In hindsight, there are things that both I, and his nursery, could have done differently to make that goodbye a bit easier, which I will share with you here.
This blog will help you make sense of separation anxiety, understand how it’s a normal developmental process and often signals a healthy attachment relationship. It’ll provide you with some ideas of how both you, and your little one, can cope with the moments that cause separation anxiety, focusing on settling into daycare.
Why seperation feels so big
We are creatures of habit. Change often comes with anxiety for young children, particularly when it’s about being away from their parents who they have learnt are a safe base to return to when they feel stressed.
Separation anxiety is a normal developmental experience, common between the ages of 6 months and 3 years. Anxiety is the body’s response to threat. It’s comes from a part of the brain called the amygdala, which sort of works like a security guard. It’s instinctive and aims to keep us safe.
When children are anxious, they often show big feelings (a sure-fire way to be noticed so adults can help them with these feelings). In the moment it can be overwhelming (for them and for us) and it’s not easy for young children to know that what they are worried about probably isn’t going to happen so their brain drives them to try and get away from that threat.
Little children have learnt that you are the person to turn to when they feel unsure, we may know they are safe, but their bodies and minds don’t feel the same. Yes, they need to explore the world, but they like to have you by their side, particularly when they are exploring new things. Young children are also still learning that when you leave, you will come back.
Separation anxiety is often a sign that your child has started to know that you are available to help and that they feel safer with you around. When starting at a new nursery or pre-school they haven’t yet learnt that other adults can also be available to help them feel safe and manage their feelings.
Top tips for supporting children with seperation anxiety
Practice from early on
Children need to learn that you will leave and come back. Playing games like hide-and-seek and peek-a-boo can help them experience separation and reunion from early on. Even though it can feel more hassle than it’s worth you do sometimes need to go to the loo alone, you do need to go out and you are allowed to have your own time.
When you introduce short separations in a confident and calm way – and build them up regularly, children will start to trust that you will return and learn that others can help.
Focus on your relationship with your child
Try to have more special time with your child when you are together. When they start day care they may need more comfort than usual and to check in that you are still available to them. If they are old enough to understand, let your child know that you still want to be with them and will miss them, but that they are going to have great fun where they are, learn new things and make new friends.
Use a transitional object
We talk about the importance of transitional objects – such as a comforter or soft toy that bridges the gap between home and wherever your child is going. Some parents like to hold or cuddle the toy to add their own scent to it. My son and I used to draw a little heart on each other’s hands to remind us of each other when apart (this was helpful for me too!).
Thoughtfully designed options, like the Nuby Monkey Teether Blanket, combine soothing textures with a snuggly blankie — perfect for both play and comfort during moments of change. And for bedtime separations, a calming companion like the Nuby Biscuit Bear Calming Comforter can be especially reassuring, with gentle sounds, soft light, and even a breathing motion designed to create a sense of safety and calm.
Help your child understand their feelings
Although babies won’t understand your words (although will pick up on your feelings), as your children get older try to explain what anxiety is. Let them know what happens to their body and that we need to train our brain to calm down. Help them notice how their body feels when they are anxious. Let them know that it is normal to be worried and that you can help them with this.
However tempting, don’t dismiss their feelings. If you tell them they are OK when they don’t feel it, they will get a bit muddled and find it hard to trust and understand their feelings. Instead, say “I can see you’re worried - that’s not surprising when you are going somewhere new without me”. This can help them feel understood and calmer (known in the trade as “name to tame – Siegel and Payne-Bryson).
Create meaning through stories
Books can be a beautiful way to explore big feelings in a safe, cosy way. My story, Please Stay Here - I Want You Near, is a story about a little bear going to school. It includes prompter questions (asked by a curious squirrel, Nudge, who you can find under the flaps) for children and parents to explore their own experiences together, helping them reflect upon their own feelings. The book also includes top tips for you on how best to support your child when they are feeling anxious about being away from you.
Through storytelling, children can:
- See their feelings reflected and validated
- Learn that separation is temporary
- Discover simple coping strategies
And perhaps most importantly, story time itself becomes a moment of connection — filling their “emotional cup” before any time apart.
Prepare to get your child into a new routine
Try to find out as much from the setting about their day as possible and talk to your child about it – this could include pictures of the nursery or a visual timetable. Don’t forget to tell them about all the fun things they will do as well as who can help when they feel wobbly.
Try to get into a routine before they start. My son wore his uniform to pre-school for 2 weeks before he started and we practiced the journey a few times. If possible, get them into an earlier bedtime routine (not always easy!). My book Time for Bed – Rest Your Head helps children understand the importance of bedtime routines and gives you some top tips around sleep hygiene.
When the time comes...
At drop-off try not to make the goodbye too prolonged and don’t just sneak out - this can make them anxious about your whereabouts. Try to say goodbye with a big smile on your face (you can burst into tears after that!).
It’s really important to show your child that you trust the staff when handing them over – your non-verbals are more telling than you think! Make sure you are clear with staff about what you will both do when your child is feeling anxious so you take a uniform approach.
Build a simple and predictable goodbye routine - consistency helps children feel secure. This could include a cuddle, a special phrase (“I’ll be back after snack time”), handing over the transitional object and a confident calm goodbye. If they are upset show them this is OK and that their keyworker can help them.
For older children, check in with them about how their day was. Find out what they enjoyed and what they found difficult and make plans for what you could do next time if they felt unsure.
How you feel is important too…
I think we sometimes forget that separation anxiety is not just about our children, but about us too. Some of us will find it easier to be apart from our children, others will pine for them and feel awful about leaving them
It’s important that you can show your child that you can cope. It’s fine to be worried about your child being away from you, notice this and try not to let it overwhelm you. After all, emotions are contagious.
Try to work out what you are concerned about. If it’s uncertainty about your child’s day then ask the staff. The more information you have the easier it is for you to feel that they are in a safe place where they can learn and have fun.
If you really struggle with separation then sometimes it can help having another adult with you or, if you have a partner, asking them to do the drop-offs. If it all feels too much please do reach out for help.
By creating familiar routines, providing comforting objects, and creating meaning through stories and naming emotions you are helping children understand their experiences and hold onto you even when you’re apart.
And in relation to my experiences, my 16-year- old’s separation anxiety abated quite quickly - he now has the opposite and spends most of his time avoiding me!!!
If you’re looking for more detail around separation anxiety (and other tricky experiences in the early years), I explore these further in my Parenting Handbook
Stay connected
You can find more support, tips and resources from Dr Sarah Mundy, Consultant Clinical Psychologist and author or Parenting Through Stories here:
Get a copy of any of Dr Sarah Mundy's books
Stop That Now! I Don't Know How - Amazon
Time For Bed - Rest Your Head - Amazon
Please Stay Here - I Want You Near - Amazon
You'll Be Happy Without Your Nappy - Amazon
Parenting Handbook - Amazon
Parent book review for Please Stay Here - I Want You Near
Our youngest started junior kindergarten this year and he has some significant anxiety since he was 18 months old. We did some therapy over the summer, but two days before school started last week I was sure it was going to be a disaster. He was up at 3:45am & could not eat the day before the first day. We read Please Stay Here - I Want You Near for the second time that night.
When Bartley Bear said he liked school but wanted to also be with mom, my son turned to me and said excitedly, “MOM!!! Mom, that’s JUST LIKE ME!!” He was very engaged for the rest of the story and together we were able to figure out what helped Bartley and what would help him! He went to bed without issues, slept through the night and while he was till up at 5:45 it was with an excitedly apprehensive mood about school. On the way to school his older brother (he’s 6) said he was there for him and he told his brother (and me) he wasn’t scared anymore! They walked into the new school without even looking back!
Dr. Sarah Mundy
A Consultant Clinical Psychologist and Mother to three, Dr. Sarah Mundy has developed Bartley's Books. Created to cut through the confusion of milestone moments for young children, they help both children and parents alike with a fun and interactive approach.