Top tips for a calmer bedtime (from a psychologist and parent)
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I’m Dr Sarah Mundy, a Consultant Clinical Psychologist and mum of three. I’ve worked with children and families for over 20 years, supporting them with emotional and behavioural wellbeing through connection, co-regulation and (when they’re a bit older) reflection. I’ll talk about these in later blogs.
I’m also the author of Parenting Through Stories – which includes a series of interactive children’s stories (Bartley’s Books) and a Parenting Handbook. These are for children aged 2-5 (and their parents) and include top tips around bedtime routines, separation anxiety, big feelings and potty training.
So, if sleep feels elusive in your house; if you dread bedtimes; if you try to be calm and consistent but struggle with this, I completely empathise (and my heart goes out to you).
Your bedtime blog contents
Why bedtime matters and why it can feel so hard A shift towards gentler approaches Babies, toddlers… same principles, different experience What does the research say? Top tips for a calmer bedtime 1. Create a predictable wind-down 2. Think about the sensory environment 3. Use stories to support understanding 4. Focus on connection 5. Keep your responses (mostly) predictable 6. Adjust expectations around "normal" sleep 7. Be kind to yourself Stay connected Add a brilliant book to bed time
Why bedtime matters and why it can feel so hard
Sleep is essential for children’s development, emotional wellbeing and learning—and for our own sanity too. If you’re brave enough do read Matthew Walker’s “Why We Sleep” – it’s quite eye opening (no pun intended).
Research consistently shows that regular, predictable bedtime routines can help children fall asleep more easily, wake less during the night and sleep for longer overall.
But bedtime is not just a biological process, it’s an emotional one too. If our little ones (or us) start our wind-down time overtired and overstimulated it can be even harder.
Bedtime involves separation, and separation can feel big—especially when children are already tired. Emotions are contagious and if our children feel our frustration that can also feed into the chaos (so guilty of this one!).
A shift towards gentler approaches
Sleep advice has shifted over time. In the past there was often advice to let babies “cry it out” until they fell asleep (have a look at this interesting article into the background of this approach and concerns about it Dangers of “Crying It Out” | Psychology Today). If you have done this (I tried when at my wits end, only for me to be a bumbling mess too) really don’t worry. Parenting is messy and we are always doing our best. We need sleep too!
There is now more emphasis on gentle, responsive approaches, which focus on helping children settle while feeling safe and supported. This links closely to what Margot Sutherland (who wrote the great and accessible book, “The Science of Parenting”) describes as the aim of bedtime: helping a child come down from a state of heightened alertness.
So, put simply, bedtime is about finding ways to help our children feel calm enough to fall asleep. Sounds simple, but it can still feel relentless and extremely hard. I think, a universal mantra of parenting needs to be “I’m trying to be good-enough” rather than “I need to be perfect”.
We will always make mistakes and need to remember that – and that’s actually part of the development of secure attachment relationships (have a look at my blog Parenting: Why Being "Good Enough" is Good Enough if you need a bit of reassurance around this).
Babies, toddlers… same principles, different experience
The underlying principles of sleep are similar across early childhood: routine, predictability and a sense of safety all support better sleep.
But how this looks can feel very different depending on your child’s age.
- Babies often need more physical soothing—rocking, feeding, close contact and a calming sensory environment
- Toddlers and pre-schoolers may resist bedtime or need more reassurance and connection
Understanding this can help us be a bit kinder to ourselves. A baby who needs lots of help to settle is not “bad at sleeping,” and a toddler who calls you back repeatedly is not “getting it wrong”—they are responding exactly as we might expect.
What does the research say?
Before I outline some top tips, I thought it was worth highlighting what research has found about “sleep hygiene” (the behaviours and environment that support healthy sleep).
The main finding is that consistent routines make a huge difference. They help children fall asleep faster, wake less at night and sleep for longer. I think this may have been my downfall as my ability to stick to a routine as a parent or person is not the best!
But when we manage to do so, we send a cue to our children’s brain and body that sleep is coming and help them move from high alert to calm enough to settle. Good routines include:
- Consistency – same bedtime and sequence every night
- Calming pre-sleep activities – bath, massage, quiet play, reading
- Reduced stimulation – limit screens, loud noise, and bright lights
- Sleep environment – dark, quiet, comfortable
- Parent-child connection – cuddles, stories, or gentle conversation
Research also shows that routines do more than improve sleep. They support emotional regulation, behaviour, learning, and parent wellbeing (Mindell & Williamson, 2018).
Top tips for a calmer bedtime
1. Create a predictable wind-down
Aim for 30–40 minutes of calm, consistent activities before bed. A simple sequence such as a bath, quiet play, story and cuddle (obviously do what works for you!) helps your child know what to expect and gradually slows things down.
2. Think about the sensory environment
Young children are very responsive to their surroundings. Soft lighting, calming sounds and familiar objects can all help reduce stimulation and support that move away from “hyper-arousal.”
For example, something like the Nuby Biscuit Bear Musical Cot Mobile ( Biscuit Bear Musical Cot Mobile | Nuby UK) can provide gentle movement and music for younger babies, while the Nuby Light and Sound Sleep Machine ( Light and Sound Sleep Machine – Nuby UK) creates a soothing, consistent background of sound and light.
3. Use stories to support understanding
Stories are a powerful way to help children process their experiences and feel connected to you. This is relevant to all those parts of parenting we find tricky – and helps us “work with” our children rather than “do to” them (hugely important for relational wellbeing). In fact, having a coherent narrative about our experiences is key to our emotional wellbeing so it’s good to start early.
In my book Time for Bed – Rest Your Head ( Time for Bed - Rest Your Head: 3 (Bartley's Books): Amazon.co.uk: Mundy, Sarah: 9781838014438: Books), I help children understand (through lift-the-flaps with simple questions that ask about their own experiences) bedtime and why sleep is important for the growing body. There are also simple, practical tips at the back of the book to help you bring this into everyday life.
4. Focus on connection
Before sleep, children often need connection more than anything else. A cuddle, a quiet chat, or simply sitting with them can help them feel safe enough to let go and drift off.
5. Keep your responses (mostly) predictable
Consistency helps as we all thrive on routine and children benefit from knowing what to expect. But please remember my “good-enough” caveat earlier. We are not robots and can’t be consistently consistent!
6. Adjust expectations around "normal" sleep
Many children do not sleep straight through the night for a very long time. I think our expectations can be a bit misaligned with what “normal” biological sleep patterns look like (wishful thinking!).
I remember being insanely jealous at these well-rested looking parents claiming their children slept through the night from what felt like day dot! It was interesting how different our interpretations of sleeping through the night were and how different our little ones were. The only thing that is universal is that it does get easier (I promise!).
However, some children still need support well into the early school years. Sleep is definitely not linear, and phases of regression are very common and each of us, and our children, are unique.
7. Be kind to yourself
If I could go back, this is the one I would really hold onto. It is very easy to feel like you are getting sleep “wrong.” But in reality, you are responding to your child, your circumstances and your own capacity—often when you are exhausted. It can feel so isolating in the middle of the night,you are allowed to be frustrated and sadit’s quite normal.
If you are really struggling, please do reach out for help.
If you’re looking for more detail around sleep hygiene and routines. I explore this further in my Parenting Handbook (Parenting Handbook: Helping you and your child make sense of everyday challenges together (Parenting Through Stories): Amazon.co.uk: Mundy, Dr Sarah: 9781838014407: Books). What matters most is that your child feels safe and that your approach feels manageable for you.
Stay connected
You can find more support, tips and resources from Dr Sarah Mundy, Consultant Clinical Psychologist and author or Parenting Through Stories here:
Visit the Facebook page - Parenting Through Stories
Dr Sarah Mundy's Instagram account
Add a brilliant book to bed time
A range of parenting milestones are helped with books from Dr Sarah Mundy. Looking forward to life without a nappy, preparing for bed time and how children form their approach their attachment to parents are just a few of the topics she has written books around.
Find out more on the product page at her Amazon store, or visit her website above to find out which book is best for the stage you're at on your parenting journey.
Dr. Sarah Mundy
A Consultant Clinical Psychologist and Mother to three, Dr. Sarah Mundy has developed Bartley's Books. Created to cut through the confusion of milestone moments for young children, they help both children and parents alike with a fun and interactive approach.